Well let's play catch up now. I got back. I now live in Moscow, ID with one of my best friends Robert. It's...interesting. My room is BEAUTIFUL. It's decorated in a "world traveler" theme. I have stuff from Africa, Japan, and the middle east. It's lovely. :-) I also have a canopy net over my bed! <3
I'm working at Bath & Body Works currently. It's a decent job, I'm enjoying it too. I plan on starting school this spring, assuming my request to be reinstated gets approved. I waiting to hear back about it. So hopefully it happens. If not, I suppose I could keep working. I'd rather be in school again though. There are times when I find myself just staring off though, not really having a single thought and sometimes I worry that it'll happen in the middle of a class or something. I hope I'm not broken or something. It's all very strange honestly. For the first few weeks after I moved in with Robert, I felt like I was more a guest than a resident of the household. It just seemed like I was visiting like I've done in the past, not like I actually lived here. It's a crazy feeling, to be honest. I had my own room and the such, but I felt more like a ghost just existing in a space. The feeling has definitely gotten better with time, and I figure it'll continue to do so. We'll see.
Control. So as we all know, I've got control issues. I want to talk about a certain issue, but I expect no judgement or harsh comments about it. I'm going to change his name also. Brock*. That's what we'll call him. So Brock and I were dating my last month of deployment, up until late September/early October. Dating as in exclusive boyfriends. Returning home was basically shell shock and pretty overwhelming. I didn't realize what readjusting would be like. I mean, I freaked out when Brock blew his nose!!! I thought it was a siren that we'd had in Iraq. I was still in that hyperaware mode. So after returning home and spending time with everyone, including Brock, I found myself wanting my own space and needing to push people away so I could adjust. I shortly after broke up with Brock, explaining that I wanted to continue seeing him but on a more casual basis. I.e. let's go get coffee and hangout. I mean, I liked him (and still do), but I kind of wanted to re-validate my feelings and make sure they were legit and not some mind game that I'd done because I'd been lonely in Iraq. Fair right? I was trying to do what seemed right, to make sure neither of us got hurt farther down the road. Well, Brock didn't take it so well. I'm not 100% sure why, maybe it's because I said I didn't want to be exclusive while we were being casual, something I kind of regret now. I wish I would've said yes when he asked. But oh well. I wanted the freedom and option of being able to go out with other people, which he also had. In the weeks that we tried it out, we both took advantage of the agreement. No big deal. Mostly. We casually saw each other during that time, so it's not like we were spending a great deal of time apart, but enough so I didn't feel overwhelmed. What I didn't realize it how much pain I'd caused him, and how much he was still hurting. :-( Very sad panda. Those feelings were never my intention and still aren't, I thought I was doing what was right and best for us to prosper and succeed as a couple later down the road.
Anyways, back on topic. Brock out of the blue informed me that he couldn't do being casual anymore basically, and couldn't give me any more time to adjust. His walls had come back up and he didn't trust me. He still feels this way. We still talk, but the issue is now that I feel adjusted enough, he's not wanting to take the chance. There are some other reasons, but those aren't mine to disclose for him.
There are things in here that should remain between he and I, but I just need to share it, and I know none of my readers will gossip. Or they'd better not. Anywho, so that's basically all the catching up. This weekend I get to go down to Boise for a football game with my brothers!! That should be exciting. I hope. Brock was going to go with me, but he has things going on so he can't attend. So I'll be driving down alone. :-( Honestly, I was really looking forward to spending some quality time with him. But alas, it's not meant to happen. He keeps saying that if something is meant to happen, then it will. Which seems to be a constant theme in my life. It's never the right time. I miss him still. If it were up to me, we'd talk more. But he's a busy guy. Life's only gonna get more busy. For some reason, it seems like everyone else has trouble scheduling time for people. Maybe it's just me. Meh. All I ever want to do is tell him about my day. To hear about his day. Snuggle. Sleep. Blah. Welcome to my life kiddies.
Have a nice night!
Muah muah.
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