There I sat, thinking. Randomly, all of a sudden I was struck by a thought. I'm fat. People can tell me what they want, but I've gotten fat. You can call it gaining muscle, putting on weight, etcetera (Googled the spelling). Whatever. I'm heavier than I want to be, that's the main point. I feel fat. Friends close to me know this, as I've told them. The new thing is that before I always used to come up with excuses. I used to say coffee and espresso made me fat. No. I made myself fat by just drinking and eating those unhealthy things, combined with the fact that I stopped being physically active. In high school I participated in a lot of extracurricular activities, not just sports, but things like the yearbook and drama club, etc. All of that combined with my naturally speedy metabolism, due to puberty, kept me "slim". Even then I wasn't happy with how my body looked, but I didn't feel like doing more than I had to to keep my body average. Blah. But I was by no means in shape, but I hadn't ever weighed more than 160 lbs until my freshman year of college. I kept making the standard excuses: "Oh, it's the stress of moving." "It's just the Freshman 15, it happens to everyone."
Let's get to the point. If I want a different body then I have to work for it. If I want to get my body back to where I know it can be, then I have to sacrifice. But let's not kid ourselves. I'm a fat kid at heart. I love food. I especially love the sweet, sugary goodness that can be unhealthy in high quantities. THERE. That's the point. HIGH QUANTITIES. If you were to look at my history, you'd realize I've always sabotaged myself and then made excuses. Sure, I can keep all those foods, but I also have to be suffer from the consequences and live with the repercussions of my choices. UGH. It's some serious work. This epiphany came within the span of only a few minutes. Then I had to rush back to my room and write this blog because I was afraid I'd lose the thought, because I wanted this blog to serve as a reminder to myself, and then read my friend Paulina's blog. Strangely enough, we had a similar thought pattern. I love you Pauli!!! :-)
So, from here on I'm going to remain aware. I'm going to treat and train my body how I want it to be. I'll occasionally eat the crappy food because I love it, but instead of making excuses, I'm going to make sure to do my best to work those calories off instead. I'm not going to keep perpetuating this pattern of self pity and loathing, then eating my feelings because I'm not happy, faking and pretending that I'm alright. As with all things, it'll take time, but sooner or later I truly believe that I'll be happy with my body. If I can't love myself, how can I expect to love someone else? Amen.
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