another chapter

So, things didn't really work out with the boy. There's no one person or event to blame, it honestly was an accumulation of everything. From the beginnings things were great, like a fairy tale. But then again we were separated and I think that played a part.

When I first got back and started interacting with everyone, it kind of started to be overwhelming. I'm not the same person I was when I was last in the United States, let alone last time I lived in Moscow. I knew things wouldn't be the same way they were before, but I still didn't expect for them to feel so differently. I also wasn't sure of my feelings for Blake anymore. I was scared that it was some kind of mind game that had set in because I'd been so lonely in Iraq. All of these factored into my decision to break up with Blake. I didn't want the title or pressure of being boyfriends. I wanted us to be able to move freely within our own lives, while still allowing myself time to adjust and get adjusted to my new life, and my place in the lives of my loved ones. It's been a trip. Well, anyways. The break up caused some tension because it really hurt Blake and he had thought I was ending it totally. That's not what I had wanted or intended, but the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Either way, he got hurt and could no longer trust me with his heart, which caused a rift between us.

After that, we did this strange dance where he no longer was ready to date, and that's what I wanted. I had solidified and confirmed my feelings for him, while he still wasn't sure. It went on for some time. Following countless tears, emotional breakdowns, and arguments I concluded that I couldn't do it anymore and that I deserved more. I'm not the kinda person who really allows himself to be vulnerable easily, and I had. I didn't like feeling like I was being strung along, in regards to just being around as second choice. It felt like I was being left on hold while he kind of decided and made sure there weren't any other options around. I'm better than that. I still really care for him, a lot. It's taken an immense amount of strength and will power not to speak to him, but I just think he and I both need to grow as individuals and live our lives apart. Maybe somewhere down the line we'll randomly reconnect, no way to tell. He always said that if it was meant to happen that it would, so we'll see. :-)

And now, Walter is ma man. The poor guy. He's been sitting in my closet, all alone. Well, with my wigs. Haha. It's a good thing he's a penguin and wasn't suffering from the cold temperatures. As for me, I've been dealing with the coldness of the impending winter. Brrrrr. My toesies are cold. But, I've dealt with worse. :-) For now, I'll continue to work, and then this spring semester I start school again!!!! Yay. Random thought: I'm so proud of myself for being semi-consistent with blogging this year. I've done a decent job of keeping my New Years resolution, at least that one!

Muah muah folks!